Midlife Whatchamacallit

For the past few years I have been going through the middle portion of my life. At least I hope that this is the middle. Tomorrow is never truly known. Let’s just say I’m in the middle of life expectancy according to the averages of my era and region. 

When I turned forty three years ago I wrote about finding peace. I had settled into a little life that I truly enjoyed. My first forty years had an adequate amount of adventure, accomplishment, and connection. I felt truly fortunate and grateful for where I was and what the future had to offer. And though I still feel that gratitude, the past few years haven’t been as smooth as I would have thought.

When I turned forty I assumed that most of the nonsense of my life was behind me. I erroneously thought that all the doubt, insecurity, and uncertainty that are constant undertones of ones adolescence and early adulthood had silenced. Or at the very least they had been put into perspective. As it turns out I was quite naive about the whole situation. 

The recognition of this naivety seems to be a running theme that I encounter every few years. When I was hitting milestones in my late-twenties I remember being shocked at how little I actually knew when I was in my early-twenties. That patterned tracked throughout my thirties and I’m assuming now into my forties.

My father-in-law has a very funny saying, ‘often wrong but never in doubt.’ It seems this is a truth in my life and it’ll likely strike a familiar chord in yours as well. This is the nature of our being as humans. To not look back on your past with a bit of cringe is almost assuredly a sign that you were wrong about much then and likely still wrong about much now. 

Since that optimistic summation of my life at forty, I’ve encountered many life changes. Our family grew from four to five, we moved towns, I’m pivoting in my career, and I am attempting to fully renovate my ‘dream’ property. I should have seen all of this coming as I spoke with such assuredness when describing in detail how much I had ‘figured out’ at forty.

The hubris of the moment is always revealed through time. It is almost guaranteed that I will look back on this writing with a similar sense of discomfort and embarrassment. This exercise of writing not only lays bare my true thoughts and emotions in the moment, but it is also my main tool for honest analysis of those thoughts and feelings.

So I am somewhere on the bell curve of a mid-life whatchamacallit. I won’t use the word ‘crisis’ because that isn’t really what this is. In trying to put my finger on what it actually IS, I’ve hit many obstacles and traps. I am not in crisis, but I find myself again in the throes of major transition. 

This whatchamacallit is filled with conflicting emotions. I feel grateful and regretful in the same moment. I’m proud of what I’ve been able to accomplish and yet ashamed at the opportunities I allowed to wither and die on the vine. When reflecting on the kitchen I remodeled, I smile at the overall while cringing at the myriad of mistakes. It is all very confusing and disorienting.

The other day I was thinking about snowboarding. It was something that I really enjoyed when I was younger. I haven’t done much of it in the past decade because I’m afraid that I’ll incur an injury that’ll make it difficult, or impossible, to work. I have responsibilities that are dependent on my ability to function physically. Not only to make a living but also to take care of kids and a property. 

The thought of flying down the steep side of a mountain was no longer high on my list of things to do. Lately however, I’ve been remembering the sport fondly and feeling a sad nostalgia that it may be forever be in my past. Then I had a revelation. I needn’t speed my way to the bottom of the double black diamond. I can take the trails and meander down at a pace that suits me.

Now, this is as obvious as the nose on my face. However, this fairly simple revelation sparked quite the profound philosophical notion: I have been seeing my life through the lens of a very young person and not that of a middle-aged, dare I say old, person. I was soon making what seemed like countless connections with this new information.

I began to see the trajectory of my life on that bell-curved mountain, and I was standing at the pinnacle. I was standing there with a giant sack filled with the demands, insecurities, misunderstandings, missed opportunities, delusional expectations, etc. that I’d been collecting and carrying up this mountain. Not until that moment did I realize that I could simply let go of so much of that burden. 

So much of the nonsense that I stuffed in that sack was from a time when I knew so little. So much of it was just wrong or at least misunderstood by the naive young man that put it in the sack then trudged onward. All the while that young man, with his limited perspective, was trying to make sense of that heavy load. Or worse, make some sort of an identity out of it. 

What a relief it is to let most of the contents of that sack tumble back down that backside of the mountain. Now I am lighter and free to find the trail down the other side. 

Indeed, some of the burdensome contents of that sack helped build elements of my character. That is not the point. The point is that they were no longer serving me. It was time to let them crash to the bottom of the other side and find perspective and peace. And try to enjoy the slow meandering ride that remains.

Let’s look out for our fellow humans and just be good to one another. I appreciate your attention and hope you’ve found value in this. Thanks for reading.